


cherries and wine, rosemary and thyme

by yukends (dowarae)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drinking, F/M, M/M, Open Ending, Smut, Unrequited Love, just guys being dumb, open communication WHO, talking about emotions who
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 04:39:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18381134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dowarae/pseuds/yukends
Summary: Mark tells him to be gentle with himself.





	cherries and wine, rosemary and thyme

**Author's Note:**

> it's 1:30am goodnight

Donghyuck finds himself to be selfish, a blur on the perfect candid of everyone else’s life. Someone who takes more than he gives and who can never get enough. Stuck in a self-assuring loop that _yes, Lee Donghyuck is in fact, the worst._

Mark tells him to be gentle with himself. As if the words, _be gentle with yourself_ spoken during late night conversations will suddenly make everything Donghyuck hates about himself disappear. And Mark says them with such sincerity that there’s nothing Donghyuck can do but listen. And he clings to those words like a lifeline.

Be gentle with yourself.

But there are nights where he forgets that he deserves gentleness. And Donghyuck’s more drunk than not and his eyes keep drifting to Mark and some girl in the corner of the corner of the room. The strobe light flashes frequently enough that Donghyuck catches the flashes of pleasure across Mark’s face.

And he turns away, chest tight and decides to take another shot. The kitchen’s basically empty when he enters, bottles of liquor placed haphazardly around the room. He grabs the closest one to him and drinks directly from the bottle, a familiar burn and the taste of cinnamon as he swallows. There’s a moment where everything slows as Donghyuck looks back to the door and meets Yukhei’s eyes.

They stare at each other for a few more seconds; it’s not like either of them can really speak. The music is loud enough that Donghyuck feels the bass deep in his body; even if he or Yukhei did try to speak, the words would’ve gotten lost in the banging of drums and lyrics loud enough it feels like a scream. He sees Yukhei’s mouth move, and he thinks maybe it’s a formulation of his name but he can’t tell because the kitchen is dim and all the alcohol suddenly hit him at once.

And he’s never noticed how pretty Yukhei is. Sure, he knows Yukhei is a nice looking person, he hears people say it and he comes over to the dorms to hang out with Mark often enough but he’s never _really looked_ until suddenly his head is light and the shitty kitchen lights emphasize the shadows of Yukhei’s cheekbones.

Donghyuck stays still as Yukhei takes a few tentative steps closer, the swinging door closing behind him as he moves. The muted sound of the music that follows has Donghyuck aware of just how drunk he really is; he can see Yukhei’s mouth moving but there’s no sound reaching his ears besides the rush of his own blood.

And how it would feel to kiss Yukhei. There’s a moment where he stops talking, sips his drink and Donghyuck can’t help but focus on the glisten of his lips, the flick of his tongue. And Donghyuck feel anticipation flush through his body, as if his mind is made up before he even has time to think.

He barely considers what he’s doing or the fact that he knows this is definitely the wrong thing to do before he reaches up and pulls Yukhei’s head down through a quick question of _can I?_ and a barely perceptible nod and connects their lips. The smell and taste of alcohol is overwhelming and Yukhei makes a sound before he’s kissing back just as hard as Donghyuck started. Yukhei tastes like strawberries and vodka and Donghyuck’s not surprised - Yukhei’s always been a fan of sweeter things.

He feels Yukhei’s hands grab his waist, warmer and bigger than he had initially thought. It sends a jolt through his body, and he doesn’t realize how long it’s been since someone has touched him for longer than ten seconds at most, something more than a friendly touch or affection for show – as a joke. And he thinks maybe that’s why he finds himself closing the little bit of distance left between them.

Yukhei’s warm and there’s a hunger to the way he kisses Donghyuck that’s desperate and needy and it’s everything Donghyuck wants. And there’s nothing gentle about the way Yukhei lifts him onto the counter, glass bottles clanking loudly and Donghyuck’s back is pressed roughly into the cabinet door.

The kiss breaks only when they both run out of breath and they’re left gasping with foreheads pressed together. There’s a moment where they’re both just breathing and then Yukhei says, “wanna go upstairs?” They’re close enough that the blasting music from the other room doesn’t impede on either’s hearing.

And the sentence has implications that Donghyuck knows is wrong and there’s fluttering in his stomach. And he wants to but he pulls back, studies Yukhei’s face as they both catch their breath. But there’s a part of him that says _don’t do it_ and that’s he’s too drunk and Yukhei’s too drunk to really be making these decisions but _he just wants to feel loved._

And Yukhei’s there and willing to give Donghyuck what he wants so he says, “yeah.” There’s a dark look in Yukhei’s eye as he watches Donghyuck moisten his lips, and he feels Yukhei’s warm hands tighten on his hips along with aa momentary flash of what he feels is fear but seems more like guilt. It’s gone as quick as it comes when Yukhei closes the small distance that Donghyuck created and kisses him again.

This time it’s soft, gentle. There’s less teeth and Donghyuck feels his heart clench, almost like he’s going to cry. So, he pulls away and looks into Yukhei’s eyes. “Are we going or what?”

Yukhei nods, steps back and Donghyuck slides off of the counter. Taking Yukhei’s outstretched hand, he lets himself be guided through the throng of people to the staircase. He finds that despite the volume, the thrumming of the bass in his chest is a comfort, almost echoing the nervous rate of his heart beat.

It’s dark upstairs and they’re lucky to even find an empty room. The music is quieter on the second floor, Donghyuck suddenly realizes how warm he really is. They enter a room and Yukhei closes the door behind them and it’s silent.

The room isn’t completely dark - there’s a lamp on the nightstand that illuminates Yukhei in the same way as the kitchen lighting did and Donghyuck’s drunk enough to allow himself to equate Yukhei to an angel. And then he blinks and Yukhei’s kissing him again and just like the first time they kissed, it’s hot and heavy and there’s more tongue than necessary (neither of them are really sober enough to care).

And Yukhei makes a sound at the back of his throat that sends a spike of heat down Donghyuck’s body and any distance between the two is closed. And everything within Donghyuck warms up as Yukhei backs him up to the bed. The back of his knees hit the edge of the bed and Yukhei breaks the kiss long enough to lower Donghyuck to the mattress and there’s a moment where they pause and their eyes meet.

Donghyuck swallows, watches Yukhei’s eyes drop to his throat as his hand twitches. Donghyuck feels a rush of confidence at that, feels like he did something right. He breaks the eye contact, traces Yukhei’s body with his gaze and raises his hand to the strip of skin between where Yukhei’s shirt ends and his waistband begins and he hears Yukhei gasp from above him. He feels a hand run through his hair, gently pulling on it to tilt his head back, and Donghyuck obliges.

And he feels exposed like that, helpless as Yukhei’s other hand traces the lines of his throat with a feathers’ touch. His breath stutters unintentionally and Yukhei’s hand lowers to the first button of the patterned dress shirt he’s pretty sure Mark gave him as a birthday gift.

Yukhei undoes the first few buttons with a level of speed Donghyuck is surprised he can still access with how drunk he is. The hand still in his hair releases its tension, moving to follow the length of Donghyuck’s jaw. He feels Yukhei’s thumb brush against his bottom lip, and without really thinking Donghyuck quickly darts his tongue out.

There’s a beat where Yukhei completely stills, moves his hand from Donghyuck’s jaw back to his hair and, knotting his hand within the strands pulls. Donghyuck whimpers at the feeling, not expecting the jolt of arousal. Yukhei leans down, face to face with Donghyuck and says, “did you just lick me?” His voice is low and Donghyuck gulps, his heart rate spiking. He shakes his head, keeping his eyes locked with Yukhei’s. His sense of disobedience is short lived when Yukhei pulls on his hair again, this time pulling his head with it.

It’s enough for him to lose his balance and end up face up on the mattress, shirt half unbuttoned and his once neatly styled hair a mess. Yukhei crawls half on top of him, one leg between Donghyuck’s and the other pressed against his side, one hand on each side of Donghyuck’s head. He leans down, mouth close enough to Donghyuck’s ear that he can feel the air when Yukhei exhales. “Are you sure?” he asks, voice is soft and low enough that it can almost be considered a growl.

Donghyuck nods again. He’s unsure if Yukhei can tell that he’s moving his head but Donghyuck doesn’t think he could even get words out past the feeling of nervousness in his throat. And what he isn’t expecting is the sudden pressure from Yukhei’s knee against his dick or the warmth in his stomach and the surprised gasp that follows.

Yukhei lifts his head up, pushes himself back to a sitting position so he’s basically sitting across Donghyuck’s legs and watches him in the dim lamp lighting. In complete silence he reaches forwards and undoes the last few buttons of Donghyuck’s shirt.

And he feels suddenly self conscious. He knows he’s not perfect - he’s probably skinnier than he should be and there are self made scars scattering the lower half of his stomach that he’s come to regret - and he’s scared of how Yukhei will react. But Yukhei just looks at him in wonder, runs a finger over the jut of his hip bone, the scars beside it. And there’s a feeling of tenderness to it that Donghyuck’s never experienced before and he doesn’t know what to do.

So he closes his eyes, relishes in the gentle touch of Yukhei’s fingers against his abdomen, tracing his ribs. And he only opens when Yukhei’s fingers trace one of the bigger scars that extends past the waistband of his jeans. And he and Yukhei make eye contact and for the first time that night Donghyuck doesn’t feel disorientedly drunk, and there’s an almost unspoken agreement between the two and Donghyuck’s shrugging of his open shirt and taking of his pants so he’s completely naked and Yukhei’s not.

But he doesn’t lay back down. Yukhei pulls him close enough that Donghyuck ends up straddling Yukhei’s thigh. “You know,” Yukhei begins, eyes flicking between the different aspects of Donghyuck’s face as he searches for the words, “I always thought you were pretty but this…” he trails off, a hand running down Donghyuck’s spine, the curve of his ass and the movement makes Donghyuck shiver and arch his back, flattening himself against the other at the sensation. He makes no sound, bites his lip to stifle whatever was going to come out mouth and buried his face into Yukhei’s neck instead.

He feels a mixture of embarrassment and arousal at the way Yukhei is touching him, already semi-hard from the kissing alone. And he decides that pressing his lips gently against the bottom of Yukhei’s jaw is a good idea and he’s rewarded with a small gasp, head tilting back for better access.

So Donghyuck continues doing just that and it’s not until he nips at the skin of Yukhei’s throat that he gets a physical reaction: a sudden upward buck of Yukhei’s hips that in turn shifts his thigh against Donghyuck in a way that has him swallowing a moan, a sigh escaping instead. Yukhei brings a hand to hold Donghyuck’s jaw, kisses him with an open mouth.

Donghyuck paws at the hem of Yukhei’s shirt, whining into the other’s mouth. Asking for something he can’t form the words to say. And Yukhei complies, pulling off his shirt and in the short moment their lips disconnect Donghyuck thinks maybe this wasn’t the worst idea.

And the way Yukhei’s skin turns an almost golden colour in the light and how warm it is under Donghyuck’s touch has him dumbfounded. And he knows it’s because he’s drunk and needy and hasn’t been held by anyone in any way for so long that he’s clinging to any sense of affection.

And Yukhei kisses him in a way he always imagined Mark would. And Donghyuck knows this is nothing more than a lust driven need for touch and he knows he should be embarrassed by the sounds he’s making as they grind against each other but he’s too far gone to care.

He’s not feeling anything besides the pleasure running through his body every time Yukhei runs a hand through his hair and he barely notices the quiet thud of what he assumes to be Yukhei’s pants hitting the bedroom floor.

And everything stops for a moment when Yukhei reaches into a bedside table drawer because this is Taeyong‘s house and Taeyong keeps his rooms stocked. And it feels like Donghyuck’s entire is vibrating.

Yukhei’s surprisingly gentle in the beginning, makes sure everything is alright and Donghyuck can barely breathe by the time Yukhei fully bottoms out inside him. Every thrust is slow and methodical and Donghyuck does his best to keep quiet until Yukhei whispers to him, “You don’t need to be quiet, baby. There’s no one here but us.” And Donghyuck takes that into full account when Yukhei shifts his position slightly and there’s a sudden and intense rush of pleasure that has him making a sound he didn’t know he could.

It’s low and more of a whine but it’s so _desperate_ and louder than he’s ever dared to be and he feels Yukhei’s fingers tighten around his waist and Donghyuck knows there’ll be a scattering of dark purple bruises along his hip bones the next morning. And the pace quickens and he’s so warm and the sound of skin against skin is making his head spin more than the alcohol could. Donghyuck finds that the pace hurts and there’s no trace of gentleness and he loves it, relishes in it. Their intent was never to be gentle and although it was nice at the beginning, he thinks the now, with the way Yukhei slams their bodies together and holds his waist to be more of a comfort than how it was before.

When things are fast enough, hard enough he doesn’t think of Mark.

And Donghyuck comes with more of a scream than a moan and Yukhei’s pace hasn’t slowed. And he’s so sensitive and overwhelmed by the time Yukhei’s thrusts become erratic and he comes that Donghyuck thinks, for a moment, that he blacks out from the sensation. He also thinks he may be crying.

He feels filthy and used and everything else he could’ve ever wanted. And he thinks Yukhei kisses his cheek, asks him if he’s okay and Donghyuck thinks he manages to nod but he’s not one hundred percent sure. He’s not fully sure he’s even alive.

Donghyuck eventually finds his way to reality, sees Yukhei beside him, stroking his hair softly in the dim light. Yukhei smiles at him with a drunken smile that has Donghyuck warm. “Welcome back,” he says, passes Donghyuck his clothes as he sits up.

“Hi.” his voice is raspy and throat sore. Donghyuck gets dressed slowly, body already beginning to ache and he feels a flash of gratitude towards Yukhei for cleaning him off. And once his legs stop shaking, he and Yukhei make their way to the bedroom door. It opens with a creak and the bass immediately hits his chest and he doesn’t notice there’s someone in the hall until,

“Oh, hi  Mark!” Yukhei says in cheerful greeting. And any post orgasmic bliss Donghyuck may have been in is immediately crushed by the sound of his dormmate’s name and he thinks his heart skips a beat when he and Mark make eye contact. They’re standing a few feet away from each other and the hallway light is on now and Donghyuck wishes he didn’t see the expression on Mark’s face. He looks between Donghyuck and Yukhei, taking in the disheveled way the two are standing and Donghyuck’s suddenly overcome with panic because he doesn’t know what Mark thinks, how he’ll react.

(And there’s a whisper in the back of Donghyuck’s head that at least he doesn’t have to come out to Mark now.)

And Mark hasn’t broken the eye contact and Donghyuck knows exactly how he looks, there’s no way Mark doesn’t know _exactly_ what went on just from the way Donghyuck’s hair is no longer perfectly styled and he knows it’s painfully obvious and there’s nothing he can do to hide it.

And it feels like Mark is trying to tell him something but the message isn’t getting through and it feels the same as when Mark calls his friends back in Canada and Donghyuck understands nothing. And he feels Yukhei take his hand, guides him to the stairs and he doesn’t realize he’s crying until they’re outside and a sob tears its way out of his chest.

He thinks there’s nothing more pathetic than standing on a stranger’s front lawn crying about the inevitable loss of a friendship with someone you just fucked right beside you. But Donghyuck is just so _scared_ and he can’t seem to concentrate on anything besides the panic eating at his chest at the idea of losing what he has with Mark. And in reality, he’s too drunk to really be caring about this now. There’s an unfamiliar voice talking to Yukhei and Donghyuck doesn’t want anyone to see him like this. But the man’s voice is gentle and his words are clear and Donghyuck doesn’t meet his eyes when the man introduces himself as Jungwoo and offers him a ride home. And Donghyuck accepts, he’s far too drunk to drive himself and Mark has the keys to his car anyways.

So he lets Jungwoo and Yukhei guide him to a car that Donghyuck can’t tell the colour of, gets in the back seat. He’s done crying by the time Jungwoo pulls away from the party but his head hurts and he’s less present than he thought he’d be. And he finds himself grateful that it was Yukhei he decided to fuck, because Yukhei knows the way to his and Mark’s dorm and Donghyuck thinks that if he opens his mouth again, he’ll end up back in tears.

The drive takes less than ten minutes and Donghyuck is exhausted and there’s so much that went on and he’s drunker than he’d like to be and he just wants to sleep. And Yukhei walks him to his door, asks him if he’s sure he’s okay being alone and Donghyuck knows the answer is no but he says yes anyways and tells him not to worry. And he asks Yukhei to tell Jungwoo he says thank you for the ride and he opens his door and he doesn’t look back.

:

Donghyuck doesn’t know what he dreams, but he thinks they may not be the best. It’s mostly confusing flashes of colours and emotions he doesn’t know how to identify and there’s a constant anxiety in the back of his mind. He wakes up crying. He hears footsteps in the kitchen and he knows it’s probably Mark and he suddenly feels like he’s going to throw up.

And he barely makes it to the bathroom by the time he’s spitting up bile. The porcelain is cold against his bare chest and he barely remembers having taken his shirt of in the middle of the night. The cramping in his sides eventually seizes and he’s sweating as he fumbles to flush the toilet.

There’s a light knock on the open door and Donghyuck flinches, the sound sending jabs of pain through his skull. He doesn’t process that Mark is in the bathroom until he hears the muted clink of glass against granite. And although he felt marginally better from the violent release of left over alcohol from his system, the nausea returns and Donghyuck knows he can’t move from his place on the floor; Mark doesn’t know about the scars or the fact Donghyuck’s lost weight and he doesn’t want him to find out. Having Mark know about him fucking Yukhei is enough.

And it’s only when he hears Mark move around the cramped space, getting closer to Donghyuck that he chokes out a “don’t.” his voice is weak and strangled and everything he tries not to be in front of Mark and for once in his goddamn life, Mark listens. And Donghyuck thinks, maybe it’s the way his voice sounded desperate enough that Mark maybe finally realized Donghyuck isn’t worth anything, any of the struggle.

But all of his hopes are crushed when Mark breathes a sad sound that Donghyuck makes out to be his name.he’s scared to turn and see Mark’s expression but he does anyways and Mark gasps just as Donghyuck remembers he doesn’t have a shirt on.

And for the second time in under twenty four hours Donghyuck’s crying over Mark Lee because this time his best friend’s eyes are glued to his torso. And the shape of Yukhei’s fingers bruised against his hips make everything look so much worse and the shadows darker than they are and Donghyuck doesn’t know what to do.

And the words _be gentle with yourself_ are suddenly on repeat in his head as he sobs on the bathroom floor because Mark knows everything now and there’s nothing Donghyuck can do about it and he’s _sure_ Mark’s going to ask him to leave. And Donghyuck is so cold and his head is hurting so bad and he just wants it to stop.

And it does, momentarily. Mark’s warm and it makes Donghyuck think back to the times before Donghyuck realized what the warm feeling in his chest was whenever Mark smiled. When they were just children and Mark’s grandma had died, the nights spent together staying up way later than they’re supposed to, the early mornings walking in the snow to school. As much as Donghyuck doesn’t want to think about it, he does. Stuck, enveloped in the arms of his best friends running through times when Donghyuck wasn’t such a mess and everything between them was all right.

He’s never been so pathetic, so laugh worthy. He genuinely doesn’t understand why Mark is putting up with him because it’s not like Donghyuck gives him anything other than an emotional burden in return.

So, the few moments of comfort he allowed himself to feel is broken and he stands. There’s a soft _wait_ from Mark’s end and a hand grabs his.

But Donghyuck’s tired and he wants to sleep more than anything and Mark’s grip isn’t tight enough for Donghyuck to be held in place.

And Donghyuck doesn’t think he even has the energy to talk, the energy to look Mark in the eyes and admit that _yes, I am in love with you and yes I fucked Yukhei so I wouldn’t have to think about it and yes those are scars that you never knew about, now please just kick me out so we can be over this._

But he doesn’t, and Mark lets him go without a struggle. And there’s a moment where Donghyuck considers just leaving right then and there, making the process easier for both of them because if Mark is going to kick him out as it is, why doesn’t he just do it himself.

But, as history goes, he doesn’t and he just makes his way to his room instead. And suddenly, violently, he misses being drunk, the burn of alcohol in his throat and the lightness of his head, how he doesn’t care about anything and how he forgets, for a few hours, that he’s losing everything faster than he can save it.

 


End file.
